How To Raise Children Without Saying “no”
You may think it is impossible to raise your children without saying “no”. Children need discipline, and if they do not get it, they can become tyrants. However, avoiding the word “no” does not mean that everything is allowed or that we do not set boundaries.
Most of us stop our children’s inappropriate impulses and say ‘no’ to inappropriate desires without thinking. And sometimes they need a resounding “no”. But there are many other situations (most, in fact) where we can change our children’s behavior without having to say no.
Why should we raise children without saying ‘no’?
The word loses its meaning
Many of us have gone so far as to casually say “no” to our children when they do or want something they do not get. With a “no”, we convey a clear and direct message and hope to get an immediate reaction. But when we overuse it, it loses its meaning. Children get used to hearing it and stop responding to it.
It no longer contains any new information for them. It is often one of the words they hear most during the day. Therefore, they begin to ignore it. It would be best to save the word for specific and urgent situations. Situations when we really need to change their behavior.
If our children act in a dangerous or harmful way, we must use a clear and unequivocal “no” to stop them before it is too late. But many other scenarios do not require as much urgency. Then it is possible to use other upbringing methods.
Teach your children what to do before you say “no” to them
Another important thing to keep in mind is the ultimate goal of our upbringing. We want to teach our children to be independent. To do that, we need to give them the values, the knowledge and the tools they need to develop on their own.
A simple “no” does not give children much information about what is going on. It does not say why their behavior is wrong, what the consequences are or what is expected of them.
Other parenting methods
Other parenting methods that allow us to share our knowledge with our children are much more useful to them. Why do we not want them to do this or that? What are the negative consequences of a specific behavior? How else can they behave in similar situations?
It creates a stronger and healthier connection between the child and the adult. We create trust and teach the child that we are on his or her side. We are there to guide, not just suppress the child’s impulses. When the child feels this trust and that he or she has our respect, it becomes easier to cooperate. The child then resists less and exhibits fewer inappropriate behaviors.
How to raise children without saying “no”
- Identify which behaviors require a clear “no”, and which can be corrected in other ways.
- Agree in advance on what rules you want to apply in the family. For example, if one of the rules is that the child can only play video games for one hour, you must explain it before he or she starts playing.
- Explain the natural consequences of each of the child’s actions. If your son beats his brother, then explain that this behavior can hurt his brother and that it makes him sad. You can tell him that if he beats his brother, he does not want to play with him anymore.
- Postpone what they want to do. Sometimes our children ask us for something that is possible, but it’s just not the right time. Instead of saying “no”, we can suggest that we wait with it until a little later. For example, if they want to see a movie but it’s almost time to go to bed, we can suggest that they watch it the next day when they get home from school.
- Suggest options. We can often offer children a tempting alternative instead of completely denying them what they want. If you do not want them to watch TV, you can suggest that you play a board game together.
Remember that it does not in any way mean that you are overly permissive or that you pamper your children by trying to limit the use of the word “no”. It is about educating in a more conscious and thoughtful way. That you explain the reason why you say “no” and offer other alternatives.
But there are also times when we have to say “no.” It is a matter of using it sparingly.
