What You Should Know About Children Who Feel Ashamed

The vast majority of children feel shame from time to time, and some more than others. Shame is considered a selective feeling because the feeling of shame is closely linked to the value we add to various actions, and this in turn depends on the environment and culture.

Shame is at the same time a universal feeling that exists in all cultures. The feeling of shame can arise if we have shown a degrading side of ourselves or if we have taken an action that makes people see us as unsuccessful. We feel really stupid.

It is important not to confuse shame with guilt that arises when we have committed an immoral act. We feel guilty when we know we have done something stupid, and we feel ashamed when we feel we have done something stupid.

In other words, guilt is a healthy feeling that can make us more moral. Shame, on the other hand, is an unpleasant – and often unnecessary – feeling, and it can have a negative impact on our self-esteem. Fortunately, parents can help their children feel less ashamed.

At what age do children begin to feel ashamed?

During the first two years after birth, children begin to develop verbal and non-verbal communication skills. After this, children may have the ability to begin to feel ashamed and embarrassed.

Sometimes children want to be independent, but they do not succeed because they are too young. When they can not do things on their own, they may feel frustrated and eventually ashamed.

Research shows that children are to some extent prone to shame from birth and that some are more sensitive than others. How often they have these feelings, and to what extent they are ashamed, however, always depends on their upbringing.

Although shame is not initially a positive feeling, it can actually be a pretty good and useful feeling. The feeling of shame can make it easier for children to adapt to social norms in society.

How can we see that children feel ashamed?

There are several physical signs that children are ashamed. Many children have a tendency to walk with their head down, isolate themselves and blush. Other times, they may resort to uncontrollable laughter to lighten the mood and distance themselves from the shameful event.

Emotional consequences when children feel ashamed

One consequence of shame is anger. It is common for children to react with anger after an embarrassing event, and sometimes they may even try to take revenge.

The goal tends to be to cause some kind of aggression towards the person who made them ashamed. If this aggressive behavior is not kept in check, the result can be a physical or emotional attack.

Another feeling that can arise as a result of embarrassing events is helplessness. It is common to feel powerless when you cannot correct an embarrassing incident. The children do not know what to do and would rather “sink down through the earth”.

Common scenarios that lead to children feeling ashamed

It is common for children to be ashamed several times during their upbringing because they are still learning to develop their social intelligence. It takes time to learn how to behave in different social situations, and they will make many mistakes and be embarrassed about it.

Here are some of the most common situations that lead to children feeling ashamed:

• When they try to show how good they are at something in front of other people and fail.
• At presentations or when speaking in front of many strangers.
• If they get annoyed.

• When they are forced to show their skills.
• When they make mistakes while eating or going to the toilet.

How do we teach children to be less ashamed?

All people have the ability to be ashamed, and you will never completely get rid of the feeling. This feeling can occur many times during the course of life, and therefore it is important to learn to deal with it.

With the help of the following advice, parents can help their children deal with embarrassing events more easily:

Lead by example

Parents should show their children that all people can feel ashamed. Sometimes children find that their problems are completely different from their parents’ problems. Therefore, we recommend that both parents sit down with their children and explain that mom and dad can also be embarrassed.

If the parents are calm and balanced in an embarrassing situation, it will be easier for the children to see how they should react when they themselves end up in a similar situation.

Do not force them to do something they are uncomfortable with

It is not uncommon for parents to ask their children to do things they do not want to do. Of course, it is both okay and right to ask children to do housework and the like, but there are some things you should not force children to do. One of these things is to force children to kiss and hug other people to be polite.

Children often feel embarrassed in these situations. It is good that parents want to teach their children good manners, but that does not mean that we should force them to hug and kiss other people (especially those they do not know before).

Take your children’s feelings seriously

At all costs, you should never make fun of children when they feel embarrassed. Parents should guide children and take into account whether the child is extroverted or introverted. This means that parents should always be there for their children if they experience something that makes them embarrassed.

Children need to know that they can always count on the support of their parents, no matter what happens. In addition, you should explain that their feelings are completely normal and that all people get embarrassed sometimes.